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My Testimony
My family was casually Christian. We'd attend church a few times a year, but never really discussed God or Jesus or the Bible. But there were people in our extended family who were more devoted to God, and the differences I saw interested me. I quietly enjoyed the Christian children's books, cassettes, and videotapes Grandma Joe sent us, and was led to accept Jesus as a young child through one of them. But I had no one to nurture my faith. I didn't even know I needed that.
As a teen and young adult, I developed an interest in Judaism and, for many years, didn't understand why people would choose to believe the teachings of Christianity over it. This led to a great conflict in my heart, as it might mean losing family if I pursued that path. But I had to know what was true and then devote myself to it.
For years, I tried on my own to understand and decide which was true. But it wasn't until a desperate cry to God to reveal the truth to me that I finally had the answers. Christ fulfilled the prophecies of the Jewish Messiah and has ushered in a new covenant. I call that my "Amazing Grace Moment" because the Scriptures I'd read before had not made sense until then. I once was blind, but now I saw.
As an adult with disabling General Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia, I was uniquely reliant on my mom even though I lived in my own apartment. So when she was hosptialized, in a coma, for three months before ultimately dying, I suddenly realized I didn't know how to connect to God and find comfort from Him. I know the Bible says we can, but I'd never seen it lived out. And I was isolated. We didn't belong to a church and we didn't have strong Christians to rely on, at least, not that I felt comfortable relying on. A coldness entered my soul as Mom lay in the hospital that first morning, and it turned me against any help. I wanted to prove to myself and to Mom that I could be all she needed me to be for her during this crisis. But, I really couldn't handle it. And that conflict churned up a great deal of bitterness and resentment.
God used that crisis, and my mourning, to draw me nearer to Him. After Mom died, I was tempted to reject God. But I realized I hardly knew Him, so I couldn't trust Him. I committed to reading the entire Bible before making my decision. I also spent several hours every day listening to ministers on the radio, such as Alistair Begg, David Jeremiah, Chuck Swindoll, John MacArthur, Greg Laurie, Adrian Rogers, and others. I joined Alistair Begg's membership group and began receiving two books a month that he had selected. Often these turned out to be just the thing I needed. One of the first was the book Knowing God by J. I. Packer. How fitting for a woman who just realized she couldn't trust God because she didn't even know Him!
As a child, I'd mostly heard that being saved by Christ meant going to Heaven when you died. But through that book, and through the crisis, mourning, and life since, I've been growing in greater knowledge that there's so much more to Christianity and being a Christian than just going to Heaven. I want to share with others what I have learned and am still learning. Hopefully, it will help others learn to love, trust, and seek God with all their hearts, too.